I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
