I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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