So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
