god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
