i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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