Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
