You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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