I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
