I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
