If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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