I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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