Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
