im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
