My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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