I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
