I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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