i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
