Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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