I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
