I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize