my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
