I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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