dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize