I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
