And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
