he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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