i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
