I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
