I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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