my phone needs a breathalizer
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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