People in love make me want to vomit
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
