If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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