You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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