so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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