her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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