remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
