Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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