I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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