i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
