Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
