new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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