I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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