im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
