I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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