I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
