Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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