my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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