I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
