She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
