Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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