even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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