Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
