You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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