i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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