pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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