You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
