i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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