Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I CAN MOONWALK!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
