I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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