he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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